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She lay on the bed, covered in sweat and writhing in pain. Expletives flew out of her mouth, left and right. Her once angelic voice had become the roar of a demon. Onlookers were terrified of what she might do next. It was the "little devil" inside of her that spawned this raving, mad woman. As her head spun 360 degrees—wait, that was the movie "The Exorcist." You have to admit, the similarities to childbirth are striking.

My experience of labor was a whirlwind of commotion. I was rushed into the labor ward and met by a large, aggressive nurse. She administered my first internal exam. That's when they stick a finger up your hoo-ha to see if you are dilated enough for labor. I shrieked in pain. What I should have yelled was "E.T. the Extra Terrestrial called. He wants his finger back!"

The pain before the epidural was incomprehensible. I must have sounded like Max from "Max and Ruby" because I only remember saying one word: drugs, drugs, drugs.

During childbirth, funny is not a word that comes to mind, probably because you're too preoccupied with PAIN. After labor, there's probably a story or two that will keep you in stitches—tear-able pun intended.

Women talk about the things they've said in the delivery room, and now we've got those sayings. Here are seven of the funniest things women have said before, during, and after delivery.

8 Be afraid, be very afraid

No position could ease my labor pain. I went from the bed, to the rocking chair, to the bathtub, back to the bed. I remember thinking I hope I don't break this rail off of the bed.I also tried to keep everything in perspective, all that pain my mom went through when she was in labor. And not just once, but twice without any medication.

Some women scream, and others meditate. Whatever your technique, it's going to hurt, straight up. I had no intention of having a natural birth without pain killers. There are women who will abstain to protect their children from the side effects of the medication.

Although I was concerned for my child, I was not that kind of woman. My childbirth philosophy: give me pain killers as soon as possible and we will be friends. It's easy to say "I'll never use drugs during delivery," but once the second set of labour pains kicks in, you'll probably be singing another tune.

My hospital room neighbor chose to have a natural birth. Unfortunately, after hours of pushing, she had very little strength because she was so worn out from the pain. It was a noble effort on her part, but I was in and out before her. They call it labor because it's hard work. If it was easy, they'd call it recess.

Labor can make you say the darndest things. Medical professionals must have heard it all. A desperate woman in labor will say "get it out of me." Frustrated soon-to-be moms say "I quit. I'm going home." The budding comedienne asks "is it too late to change my mind?"

Funny pregnant woman number two was in the midst of painful labor when she screamed at the top of her lungs. The nurse told her that if she kept screaming, she would scare the other mothers. The woman in labor replied, "They should be scared!"

Here's some advice for medical professionals when dealing with a woman in labour:

  • - Never scold a woman in so much pain she feels the need to yell, scream, or whatever. Because if you get within arms reach, this woman just might yell in your face.
  • - If you think she's screaming too much, close the door to her room and help the poor woman through her pain.
  • - Lastly, try offering her drugs. At this point she sounds like she's ready for them.

7 Patience is no longer a virtue

When my contractions hit, it was like no other pain I've ever felt. I learned some breathing techniques that I thought would help me relax during labor. As soon as my contractions started to throb, slowed breathing went right out the window. Count to six? I got a digit for you to count, and it won't take long.

They say labor pains are similar to a gall bladder attack.True, I almost passed out when my gall stones flared up, but a week later, I was feeling back to normal. Labor was a different kind of pain, and the postpartum recovery lasted weeks longer.

Sorry men, but there is no contest when it comes to childbirth. Perhaps if a man's urethra could dilate to ten centimeters, they could begin to understand what women go through.

Childbirth will test your limits. Dumb questions like, "Do you mind if I check the score," will send you to the brink of insanity. They say there are no dumb questions, but there are many curious fools. Patience is simply not an option when giving birth.

The first funny pregnant woman on the list left her composure at home when she suddenly sprung into labor. This British woman and her husband rushed out the door with the intent of heading to the hospital. When they got into the car, her husband realized that their vehicle was low on gas.

They drove to the gas station while his wife held on. After filling up, her husband went inside to pay. Outside of the gas station was an elderly man in a wheelchair. With no wheelchair accessibility at the station, the wheelchair bound man couldn't get in.

He asked the soon-to-be father to purchase some cigarettes for him.The woman in labor leaned out of the car window and yelled, "Don't help the cripple!"

There was no shame in this woman's game. At least she can brag and say that she saved a disabled man from smoking.

Lessons you can learn from this:

  • - Always make sure you've got at least half a tank of gas when you're pregnant.
  • - Have a hero in the wings in case you have a piece of junk car.

6 Take your time. I'm not going anywhere.

My birthing team consisted of a doctor, two nurses, four students, my husband, and a partridge in a pear tree. All we needed were waiters with hors d'oeuvres to make it a real party. I should have ordered a vodka soda because the nurse did say that I could have clear liquids.

Initially, we thought we would invite our families to witness the birth. When we realized that the room was already as crowded as O'Hare International Airport, we immediately reversed that decision.

If you don't mind everyone seeing your lady bits, then you'll have no problem. If you'd prefer a more private occasion, then have your baby at home. No matter what, the hospital delivery room will be full. Even if no one in your family comes in, there is going to be between five and ten people in there.

How did delivery rooms become so busy? Siblings, parents, in laws, cousins— everyone wants an invite. In my parents' day, my dad wasn't even allowed in the delivery room. Nowadays, there's an assembly watching the episiotomy, too.

The episiotomy is a cut that is made between the vagina and the anus. Its purpose is to create a wider opening so it's easier for the baby to pass through. I don't mean to scare soon-to-be moms, but the truth is the recovery for the episiotomy is awful. At the time, the surgical cut did not hurt because of the epidural. The lower half of my body was virtually numb. The doctor could have given me a tummy tuck while he was down there because I didn't feel a thing.

Funny new mom number three was being sewn up after childbirth. Her doctor was taking a long time. The new mom asked him, "Are you crocheting down there?"

A similar incident happened with another new mom. Her comment to the student doctor: "Are you weaving a friendship bracelet down there?"

I know that doctors have to get experience from somewhere, so here's my suggestions:

  • - Start by delivering babies at the zoo, animals always seem to have an easier time with delivery than humans.
  • - Start with little animals and then work your way up to gorillas. If you can handle delivering a gorilla's baby then maybe now you're ready for a human being.
  • - If you're having trouble, admit it. Don't try to hide down there, it becomes clear there's a problem when a woman says something like, "What are you doing? Baking a cake?"

5 Oops!!

Throughout the process of labour, you will gain humility. Up until that point, I was somewhat shy. Once my labor had been induced, I was half naked and everyone had an eyeful. I had about four internal exams, all from different nurses.

Student doctors come by to assess my situation. Oh great, another person lifting up the blanket to look between my legs. It was quite a revealing day.

The ultimate evidence of humility during labor is where excrement is concerned. It's common for women to poop while they are pushing. As the baby moves down the birth canal and through the cervix, it feels like the baby is coming out of your bum. Pushing like you have to poop is the proper technique.

If you poop, the medical team will clean it up and move on. If it happened to me, no one said anything. Honestly, I didn't really want to know. When you're experiencing the cramps of labor, it doesn't really matter. Nothing is more important than getting the baby out safe and sound.

Childbirth is filled with moments that we'd rather not remember. The pain, pooping, uncontrollable flatulence, and enough blood to recreate a scene from the movie Saw.

There are moments that are pretty funny, too. The nurse brings you a maxi pad that is the size of a blu ray player. The doctor used a suction cup on my daughter's head to get her out. Her cone head reminded me of the old Saturday Night Live skit, and subsequent terrible movie.

Funny pregnant woman number five had her fair share of embarrassment. The nurse performed an internal exam. She told the soon-to-be mother that she could feel hair. The mom-to-be said that her bikini wax must have missed some areas. Moments later, she realized whose hair the nurse was talking about.

Here's what you can learn from this woman's experience:

  • -  You're going to say something silly at some point. Your body is going through so much pain and torture that you're not going to be giving eloquent speeches.
  • - When you do say something a little off, don't sweat it. There are a number of women all going through the same thing as you saying equally funny things.

4 Parents Just Don't Understand

My mom was a great support during my labor. She held my hand while the epidural was being administered.

An epidural is a painkiller that is administered in your back. A needle is inserted between the vertebrae in your spine that numbs the lower half of your body. For some reason, I was shaking like a Polaroid picture through this process.

Maybe it was the cold iodine applied to my back. Maybe it was because I was in labor. Maybe it was idea that a long needle was being inserted into my spine, and if I moved, there was a possibility that I could become paralyzed.

My emotions were all over the place. One day at home, I was watching the game show The Price is Right. An older woman had made it to the finals, and eventually, she won both showcases. She reminded me of my grandmother. I felt so happy for her that I started to cry.

At that moment, my husband walked in. In this sobbing state, he asked me what was wrong. I mumbled through the tears, trying to explain the lady who reminded me of Granny and how she won everything. My husband looked at me like I was 50 shades of cray cray. He left the room without saying a word.

They say that mood swings are worst in the first trimester of pregnancy, and naps are supposed to help. When I was pregnant, sleeping wasn't an enjoyable thing at all. I would wake up with charley horses.

My husband panicked with each attack, thinking I was in labor. Every single time, he would jump out of bed, and grab the packed bag. It was pretty funny. I would have been funnier if my leg wasn't on fire. Naps didn't help my mood back then, but they do now. It's about time because my daughter is a teenager.

Funny pregnant woman number four was being comforted by her mother. Mom advised her to relax, and breathe, ensuring that the labor would soon be over. The daughter looked up at her mom and said "you have no idea what this is like."

If your daughter says something like this remember:

  • - She doesn't mean it. Pain makes you stupid .
  • - Don't trade labour stories in the middle of labour, that's better left till after the baby's arrival .

3 Give her the gas!

Laughing gas is becoming a popular choice for women in labor. If it was available to me at the time, I would have chosen nitrous oxide. The epidural left me numb, unable to feel myself push.

I knew I was pushing from the pressure, but it may have helped to push harder if I could have felt it. Also, I was numb long after labor. The effects of laughing gas stop when you're not breathing it in.

Women in labor that use laughing gas would give their partners an easier time, too. When your husband or boyfriend asks a stupid question, it will just roll off your back. "How long is it going to be?" he asks.

With laughing gas, you can just laugh, and tell him that you don't know. When he says, "I'm bored", it will be so easy to just grin and say "that's nice". When he tells you that you look tired, you don't have to put his member in a vice. All you do is sit back, inhale, and smile.

Funny woman number six used sarcasm to get through her labor pains.She told a knock knock joke:

"Knock, knock"

"Who's there?"

"The baby, not yet!"

Sarcasm is a very effective tool for relieving pressure and for finding comedy. Here are the best ways you can use sarcasm in the delivery room.

  • - If your significant other left the hospital while you delivered and when they return ask how does the baby look, you can say, "He/she looks nothing like you".
  • - Or in the above situation you can say, "Thanks for your support, oh wait.." But don't be too mean if you use this one. It may not have been his fault he wasn't there.
  • - Converse with a nurse or doctor who has been cracking jokes. The back and forth banter will help ease your pain and make you feel human in an extreme situation.

Just remember there is an appropriate level of sarcasm that can be used. Don't go over it or you'll come off as a jerk, and you don't want to find special sauce added to you jello.

2 Funny ha ha

For those women in labor who can maintain a good sense of humor, you deserve a standing ovation. Research shows that laughter can help you cope with the pain of childbirth. I suppose a joke could take the edge off, but it's got to be a pretty funny joke to deal with labor pains. Whoever said laughter is the best medicine never had morphine.

Once my epidural had kicked in, I spent most of the day resting, virtually in no pain. I could feel my daughter slowly descending the birth canal. With all of the anticipation and Pitocin in my blood, it was impossible to sleep.

Everyone had left the room so that I could get some rest. Only after when I was released from the hospital did I find out that my husband went to a bar with his cousin. They drank beer while I was in labor. I wasn't doing anything, but if I'm resting, you should be resting right beside me.

And if you're a man reading this, don't go for drinks unless you plan on bringing one back for your lady. Any outside food and drink will be greatly appreciated.

You can try to ease the pain of the situation by making your partner laugh. That doesn't mean you should start with the knock-knock jokes, but you should try to find something that she can laugh at.

Here are a few of my suggestions to finding comedy in a difficult situation:

  • - First you must know her sense of humour range and keep your comedic anecdotes within that range.
  • - Let her know about the funny things going on in the maternity ward . A shared experience is usually helpful.
  • - Let her know how nervous you are in a comedic way . But don't do this when she's in pain, otherwise you could find yourself getting the bulls horns.
  • - Read the situation, if she's just been handed bad news, now is NOT the time for comedy. Now is the time for a shoulder to lean on, maybe even literally.

    2

I bought every book to ready myself for childbirth. I was convinced that nothing was going to shock me because I was prepared. In hindsight, I had no idea what I was doing. Birth is something that is so unpredictable.

I sought out an obstetrician who came highly recommended. I took my prenatal vitamins, and went to all of my checkups. I researched different types of births, and birthing positions. I read books, wrote a birth plan, and registered at the hospital. I was organized.

The only issue that I had was not delivering on my due date. My husband asked if I could have the baby on his birthday instead. Too bad I didn't have laughing gas to answer his question. I carried my daughter for 41 weeks. On that day, I was induced.

When the nurse broke the bag, I heard the pop. It felt like the warmest pee I ever had. The labor pain did not being immediately, but when it hit, it was a Babe Ruth out-of-the-park homerun hit to my gut.

I was caught off guard by one of the nurse's questions. She asked if I wanted to keep my placenta. Um, no thanks. I'm on a placenta diet right now. Why would I need that again? And how do you bring home a placenta? Does the hospital give you a take-out container like leftovers in a restaurant?

Also known as afterbirth, the placenta is an organ formed during pregnancy. It connects the baby to the mother, providing oxygen and nutrients. It also removes waste from the baby's blood.