Thither'due south no form in high school on how to not be a shitty beau or girlfriend. Sure, we get taught the biology of sex, the legal ins and outs of marriage, and maybe we read a few obscure love stories from the 19th century on how not to be an ass-face.

Without clear ideas from adults, what we're left with is basically trial and fault, and if you're similar most people, it'due south mostly error.

Enter: a cord of toxic relationships as nosotros fumble through an already complex dating world.

One of the bug is that a lot of toxic relationship habits are baked into our culture. We worship romantic love—you know, that boundless and irrational kind that somehow finds breaking red china plates on the wall in a fit of tears somewhat endearing. And nosotros belittle at practicality or unconventional sexualities.

Men and women are encouraged to objectify each other and to objectify their romantic relationships. Thus, our partners are often seen every bit achievements or prizes rather than someone to share mutual emotional support.

A lot of the cocky-aid literature out in that location isn't helpful either. And for well-nigh of u.s.a., mom and dad surely weren't the best examples.

Many of us enter the dating world not even knowing that a lot of our beliefs about relationships are toxic to begin with. And then let's get-go get articulate about what a toxic relationship is:

This might sound crazy to some people, just love should not be the reason to stay in a relationship, and that'south because information technology can cloud our judgment in these other very important areas.

If you prioritize the honey you get out of a relationship over the respect you're given, you'll tolerate existence treated similar a doormat. If you prioritize beloved over trust in the human relationship, y'all'll tolerate lying and cheating. If you prioritize dearest over affection in the relationship, you'll tolerate a cold and afar existence in the relationship.

We tolerate bad relationships for all sorts of reasons—possibly nosotros have depression self-esteem, peradventure we're not self-aware enough to realize what'southward going on, perhaps we don't have a good handle on our emotions, so on. But all this does is create a superficial, psychologically unhealthy, and potentially abusive human relationship.

Toxic relationships tin accept on a few different forms, merely I've found a number of telltale signs of bad relationships that many people either ignore or, worse, think are actually signs of a healthy relationship.

Below are six of the about common tendencies in relationships that many couples call back are healthy and normal only are actually toxic behaviors and harming what y'all hold dear.

What Is It?: The "keeping score" phenomenon is when someone you're dating continues to arraign you for by mistakes. If both people in the human relationship do this it devolves into what I telephone call "the relationship scorecard," where the human relationship devolves into a battle to see who has screwed up the most over the months or years, and therefore who is most indebted to the other.

Silhouette of a couple fighting in a toxic relationship

You were an asshole at Cynthia's 28th altogether party back in 2010 and it has proceeded to ruin your life ever since. Why? Considering non a week goes by that y'all're not reminded of information technology. Simply that's OK, because that time you caught your partner sending flirtatious text letters to a co-worker means you lot tin have at her for her supposed infidelity, so it's kind of even, right?

Wrong.

Why It's Toxic: The relationship scorecard is a double-whammy of suckage. Non only are you deflecting the current upshot by focusing on previous wrongs, but you lot're ginning upwardly guilt and bitterness from the past to manipulate your partner into feeling bad in the present.

If this goes on long enough, both partners eventually spend most of their free energy trying to show that they're less culpable than the other, rather than solving what caused the present outcome. People spend all of their time trying to exist less incorrect for each other instead of being more than right for each other.

What To Do Instead: Bargain with issues individually unless they are legitimately connected. If someone habitually cheats, and then that's plainly a recurring problem. But the fact that she embarrassed yous in 2010 and that now she got sad and ignored you today have nothing to do with each other, and then don't bring it up.

It's crucial to empathize that by choosing to be with your significant other, yous are choosing to be with all of their prior actions and behaviors. If you don't accept those, then ultimately, you lot are non accepting your partner. If something bothered you that much a year agone, you should take dealt with information technology a twelvemonth ago.

What Is It?: Instead of saying something outright and out loud,  a partner tries to nudge the other in the correct direction of figuring it out. Instead of saying what's actually upsetting you, you find minor and petty ways to piss your partner off, then you'll then feel justified in complaining to them.

Why It's Toxic: Considering it shows that y'all 2 are not comfortable communicating openly and clearly. A person has no reason to be passive-aggressive if they feel prophylactic expressing anger or insecurity within a human relationship. A person will never feel a need to drop "hints" if they feel similar they won't exist judged or criticized for honesty.

What To Practice Instead: State your feelings and desires openly. And make information technology clear that the other person is not necessarily responsible or obligated to those feelings, just that you'd love to take their support. If they beloved you, they'll almost e'er be able to offer that support.

What Is It?: When 1 person has a simple criticism or complaint and blackmails the other person by threatening the commitment of the human relationship as a whole. For instance, if someone feels like you've been cold to them, instead of saying, "I feel like you're beingness common cold sometimes," they will say, "I tin can't date someone who is cold to me all of the fourth dimension."

Why It's Toxic: Holding the relationship hostage amounts to emotional bribery and createstons of unnecessary drama. Even the smallest hiccup in the flow of the relationship results in a perceived delivery crunch. It's crucial for both people in a human relationship to know that negative thoughts and feelings tin exist communicated safely without it threatening the entire future of the human relationship. Without that freedom to be honest, a couple will suppress their true thoughts and feelings leading to the creation of an environment of distrust and manipulation.

What To Do Instead: It's fine to become upset at your partner or to not like something nigh them—that'due south chosen being a normal human beingness. But understand that committing to a person and always liking a person are not the same thing. You lot tin can be committed to someone and not like everything about them. You can be eternally devoted to someone yet really be bellyaching or angered past them in one case in a while. On the contrary, two partners who are capable of communicating feedback and criticism without judgment or blackmail will strengthen their delivery to one some other in the long run.

What Is Information technology?: Let'south say you're having a crappy day and your partner isn't exactly beingness super sympathetic or supportive about information technology—perchance they've been on the phone all day with some people from piece of work, or they got distracted when you hugged them. You desire to lie around at home together and but scout a flick tonight, merely your partner has plans to go out and see friends.

As your frustration with your twenty-four hour period—and your partner'south reaction to it—increases, you find yourself lashing out for beingness and then insensitive and callous toward you. Sure, you never asked for emotional support, but your partner should but instinctually know to make you feel better. They should accept gotten off the telephone and ditched their plans based on your lousy emotional state.

Why Information technology's Toxic: Blaming our partners for our emotions is selfish and a classic case of the poor maintenance of personal boundaries. When yous gear up a precedent that your partner is responsible for how you experience at all times (and vice-versa), this tin easily lead to a codependent relationship. Everything—even down to reading a book or watching Tv set—must exist negotiated. When someone begins to become upset, all personal desires become out the window because now you have to brand each other experience better.

The biggest problem nigh codependent tendencies is that they breed resentment. Sure, if my girlfriend gets mad at me in one case in a while because she'due south had a shitty solar day and is frustrated and needs attention, that'south understandable. Just if it becomes an expectation that my life revolves around her emotional well-being at all times, and then I'thousand shortly going to go very bitter and fifty-fifty manipulative towards her feelings and desires.

What To Do Instead: Have responsibleness for your own emotions and expect your partner to be responsible for theirs in plow. In that location'due south a subtle nonetheless important difference between being supportive of your partner andbeing obligated to your partner. Any sacrifices should be made by selection and not because that's what's expected. As soon as both people in a relationship become responsible for each other'southward moods and downswings, it gives them both an incentive to hide their true feelings and manipulate one some other.

The greatest gift you can give someone is your own personal development

What Is It?: Getting pissed off when your partner talks, touches, calls, texts, hangs out, or sneezes in the full general vicinity of another person then proceeding to accept that anger out on your partner and effort to command their behavior. This often leads to insane behaviors such as hacking into your partner's email business relationship, looking through their text messages while they're in the shower, or even following them around town and showing upwardly unannounced.

Why It's Toxic: It surprises me that some people depict this as some sort of display of affection, figuring, incorrectly, that if their partner isn't jealous then that somehow means they don't beloved them plenty.

This is absolutely clownshit crazy. Rather than being loved enough, it'due south actually simply controlling and manipulative. And past transmiting a bulletin of a lack of trust in the other person, it creates unnecessary drama and discord. Worst of all, it'due south demeaning. If my partner cannot trust me to be around other attractive women by myself, then it implies that she believes that I'm either a) a liar, or b) incapable of controlling my impulses. In either instance, that's a woman I do not want to exist with.

What To Practise Instead: Completely trust your partner. Information technology's a radical thought, I know, because some jealousy is natural. But excessive jealousy and controlling behaviors are signs of your own feelings of unworthiness, and you should learn to deal with them and not forcefulness them onto those close to you. Without fixing that jealousy, you are only going to push your partner away.

What Is It?: Whenever a major conflict or issue comes up in a relationship, instead of solving information technology, you encompass it up with the excitement and skilful feelings that come with buying something nice or going on a trip somewhere.

(Or worse—similar getting married.)

My parents were experts at this ane. And it got them real far: a large fat divorce, and xv years of hardly speaking to each other since. They take both since independently told me that this was the main trouble in their marriage: continuously covering up their real issues with superficial pleasures.

Why Information technology's Toxic: Not merely does buying stuff brush the real problem under the rug (where it volitionalways re-emerge, and even worse the next time), but it sets an unhealthy precedent inside the relationship. This is not a gender-specific problem, but I will use the "traditional" gendered situation equally an example. Permit'due south imagine that whenever a woman gets angry at her boyfriend/hubby, the homo "solves" the issue by buying the woman a gift or taking her to a fancy eatery. Not simply does this requite the adult female unconscious incentive to detect more reasons to be upset with the man, only it also gives the homo admittedly no incentive to actually be accountable for the problems in the relationship. What's the consequence of all this? A checked-out husband who feels like an ATM, and an endlessly bitter woman who feels unheard.

What To Do Instead: Deal with the trouble. Trust was broken? Talk most what it will have to rebuild it. Someone feels ignored or unappreciated? Talk well-nigh ways to restore those feelings of appreciation. Communicate!

There's nada wrong with doing nice things for a significant other after a fight to show solidarity, regret, or to reaffirm the delivery. But one should never use gifts or fancy things toreplace dealing with the underlying emotional issues. Gifts and trips are called luxuries for a reason—you only get to appreciate them when everything else is already good. If you use them to cover up your problems, then y'all will find yourself with a much bigger problem down the line.

Remember that a toxic relationship is one where dearest is prioritized over everything else, including respect, trust, and affection for each other. It'southward more than just a "crude patch"—it'southward a recurring, long-term design of bad behavior on i or both sides. Then how do you lot shift these patterns in a relationship?

Now, the road from a toxic relationship to a healthy one is not an easy one. I'm going to exist honest: near people won't be able to do it. Merely—there is a hazard things can change for the better. You have your work cut out for you, but if you tin practice the following three things, y'all have a shot at making information technology work:

  1. BOTH partners are willing to alter. Seems pretty obvious, but if one of yous isn't serious about making the relationship better, well, that's your answer. On the other hand, if you've both expressed a genuine willingness to piece of work things out, you lot may continue…
  2. BOTH partners recognize the lack of affection/trust/respect and are willing to work on information technology. Fifty-fifty if you lot both want things to get better, yous still have to acknowledge that a trouble exists and agree on what needs to be fixed. This is harder than it sounds. One person might feel like they aren't trusted and so they recall that's what needs to exist worked on. The other person, however, has no trust in the human relationship considering there is no affection. Or ane person might not totally be honest virtually what the problem is—they don't want to be the one who says they don't trust the other person, for example. Whatever it is, you take to be clear and honest about what's keeping the human relationship toxic.
  3. BOTH partners can communicate in a healthy way without excessive blaming or judgment. Yous can be willing to work on things, you tin even be on the same page about what the existent problem is, but if one or both of you is out to blame the other person, it'southward just not going to work. It really doesn't matter whose fault it is if the goal is to motility the relationship in a healthy management. That means both people have to prioritize the relationship over their selfish desires to be right or to "win."

Again, fixing a toxic human relationship is non an piece of cake thing to do, only near things in life worth doing are non easy. You might also decide to end the human relationship at some point, and that's okay, but if you're both willing to work on it, then it's worth the try and the awkward conversations and, yeah, fifty-fifty the pain.